She walked into my room holding an Ipad mini. Unlike her usual gait, this was a measured walk… Then she asked. Dad! Can I have a word with you? Of course you can I responded. What if I don’t include history in my ‘A’ Level picks? She asked. I responded, no big deal… you are the one who would write the exams. She looked at me with an uncertain gaze. Perhaps my answer was not what she expected. So I probed, what’s wrong with History? I thought you liked it. Hmmm! She responded… I am good in history but I’m not so sure if I can handle it at a higher level. I think I prefer Physics. So I ask again… if you like physics better what is the source of confusion? She replied, the burden of parental expectations… I like history and physics, I get excellent grades in Chemistry but I hate Chemistry… All I hear every time in this house is economics this and economics that. Parents are always saying this is good and that is better. It’s not easy handling the burden of parental expectations. I paused to gather my thought so I do not mishandle that moment… This was not just a child speaking with a father it was a referendum on my parental and leadership capability.

The teenage years are the most challenging period of children upbringing. It is a period when children have to battle with hormonal and physiological changes as well as transition from childhood to adulthood. It is the period when young adults are confronted with making choices that would affect future educational and career decisions. If this period is well handled, the result is that the child grows up into a confident adult adept at making decisions and choices that impact positively on the society. When this transitional period is not well handled, the affected child often grows up becoming confidence challenged or rebellious.

In most developed nations, a child assumes adulthood at eighteen years and the educational system is programmed to facilitate the process of attaining this status. Our traditional society adopted a similar manner in the upbringing of children by gradually teaching adult skills to children from an early age. Sadly as parents battle with socio economic challenges, they are becoming too focused on the intangibles of life that they now miss out on one of the most important responsibilities they have as individuals…Parenting! This failure cuts across the social divide but is more prevalent among the political and economic elite. Parents have become too busy pursuing worldly things that they are unable to provide guidance for their wards during the teenage years when it is most needed. In place of proper weaning a number of wealthy parents take it upon themselves to think and make choices for their children not minding that these children could have other aspirations. The result is that they undermine the capacity of these children to take initiatives, undermine their confidence and delay their maturity.

Not too long ago, a female friend of mine was involved in a relationship with a man from one of the neighboring West African countries. All her friends and family members encouraged the relationship because my friend was already mature and we all thought that settling down with a good man was a natural step to take. The gentleman in question is an eligible bachelor from a family with pedigree in shipping and politics, good looking and humble. In the course of the courtship, my friend decided to spend Christmas with ‘our prince’ in his home country so as to get further acquainted with him and his family. After a few weeks holiday she returned to Nigeria and said she was calling off the relationship. What were the reasons? She found out that ‘our prince’ was only a man in body and not in soul. He couldn’t take decisions for himself and relied on his aged parents for decision-making both in the family business that he now runs and in his private life. After the breakup, the potential parents-in-law tried to convince my friend to marry their son because in their view he needed a strong woman like her to toughen him up. It became obvious that in their old age the parents now realize that the son they were once proud of as dutiful and obedient has refused to grow beyond their apron string.

Failure to wean children at the appropriate time is bound to have overwhelming negative repercussions in adulthood. So care must be taken to identify when to start releasing the leach with which they are tied to the parents. So how can we guide our youths and young adults to making informed decisions? How can we get the best out of our children and wards when they are faced with making individual choices? Below are a few steps that could be adopted toward teaching the youth the art of making informed choices.

The first step is to accept that a child, teenager or youth is an individual imbued with capacity for independent thoughts and preferences. We should never assume that because we are adults we have the monopoly of wisdom. Appreciating the individuality and mental capacity of the teenage child is particularly relevant because young adults face a lot of internal crisis as they grow toward adulthood. Most of the time they are discouraged from discussing the challenges they face with parents because they are afraid of being over ruled or bullied by over-knowing parents So in most cases they either fall in line pretending to be cool with parental imposition or they keep to themselves and take counsel only from equally challenged peers.

The second step is to empower the individual to lead the decision making process. The process of empowerment involves providing relevant and contextual information about the subject under discourse, providing access to experts, role models and peer mentors. The youth should also be empowered to think critically, to ask questions and to challenge existing paradigm. The transition of children to adulthood can be smoothened when they are empowered by parents to understand the decision making process.

The third Step is to involve the youth in the choice making process. This can best be achieved through a questioning approach in which the adult asks questions to elicit the opinion of the youth and guides his thought towards identifying all options and possible consequences of each of the options. A story telling strategy can also be used to support the questioning approach through the use of factual stories to guide the understanding of available options. I know this style can pose a challenge when you have discerning children, but it works. Several times I get the ‘here we go again’ look from my daughters, but that never stops me from telling stories. I have realized that story telling is like painting it would always leave an impression.

As parents, it is essential that we be involved in the life of our children and that we nurture them towards maturity. Much as children mature at different times, it is a fact that as they grow through the teenage years all children begins to search for identity. Hence it would be foolhardy on the part of parents to attempt to delay the natural weaning process that comes with age in the guise of protection. Parents of teenage children must realize that their teenage children yearn for dignity, respect and recognition of their rights hence they should resist the temptation to continue to treat them like toddlers.

Making informed choices just like making good decisions is a product of practice. The role of parents and other adult relatives is to enhance the learning process and guiding their wards to developing better judgments and making better choices. Just like the popular saying ‘charity begins from home’, we should all strive to provide leadership at home by being good guardians and role models to our children.